DraftKings: Stay Woke For Finnegan’s Wake
I have no doubt James Joyce would be proud to be mentioned in a Razzball opening, even before his great great nephew Matt Joyce is for this season. What, I shouldn't assume they're related? What, I'm...
View ArticleThat’s One Tolleson Drink Of Firewater
Yesterday, Shawn Tolleson went zero innings and gave up five earned for the blown save. Why is there blood dripping down the back of my leg? OH GOD, TOLLESON, WHAT HAVE YAO REEKED?! Yao is totally a...
View ArticleTyler White Power Don’t Discriminate
The Tyler White hot fire stayed lit last night with his third multi-hit game in a row, going 3-for-4 with 2-run home run. His second jack this year and brings his average to .692 with 7 RBI. Who is...
View ArticleCards Pull A Hazelbaker Out Of Their Ludwicks
I don't know where it's coming from with Jeremy Hazelbaker, so I called Keith Morrison of Dateline to investigate. He went to St. Louis to investigate and left me this message, "Here, in bucolic St....
View ArticleDraftKings: Meet Erik, 35 Years Old
Meet Erik, 35 years old. After meeting a fantasy baseball expert on the internet, he took his last three dollars, entered it in the Early Moonshot on Monday, April 11, 2016, and won $5,000. His...
View ArticleDraftKings: I Was Throwing In The Six With My Woes
So J.A. Happ was almost a tourney call for me and then I looked at the Yanks so far. I looked at how their offense was rolling. I looked at how they did when everyone was healthy last year. I looked at...
View ArticlePerkins’ Flap Jacked, Jepsen Steps In
Glen Perkins hit the DL with a shoulder strain. Or, for those of you who have Siri read these posts to them, "Sorry, Grey, there's no set closers in the Minnesota area, would you like to open up your...
View ArticleDraftKings: Erasmo’ Money
There was a time the Wayans brothers were funny and I mean that funny 'haha' way. Not the how sad and disconnected can you be way. I grew up watching Living Color and loved how it was counter culture...
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Points League: Prince Down
You know who I'd really love to punch in the face? Justin Upton. When did he become B.J. Upton. I'm sorry, I mean the artist formerly known as B.J. Upton. Justin has more strikeouts than Chris Davis,...
View ArticleMLB Makes A Slap-Flash Decision
In what seemed like a meaningless spring training game, Dee Gordon bunted and it landed 12 feet from home plate. The announcer said, "Wow, didn't think that was going to make it out of the batter's...
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DraftKings: Do do do do do…Manaea Manaea!
I'm not the first to pander to our Muppets roots with Sean Manaea and I'm sure I won't be the last. I mean, when Russian Trololo went viral, I thought to myself 'how did Mahna Mahna not win this...
View ArticleDraftKings: Oh Danny Boy
If there is one thing that rarely scares me in DFS, it is ace pitchers facing off against a high-powered offense. Clayton Kershaw against Toronto; so what? Noah Syndergaard against the Cubs--big deal....
View ArticleShowtime For Skin ‘Em Max
Owning Max Scherzer last night was like watching the Showtime classic, Emmanuelle, the erotic thriller starring Emmanuel Lewis as Webster Schlong and Alex Karras as George Papadopepuss. Through 6 IP,...
View ArticleDraftKings: #Barves New World
I remember a time not long ago. A time when the #Barves were the Braves. I think said time predates the hashtag phenomenon which makes it, like, sooooo old. Before Fredi got Fired and even more...
View ArticleDraftKings: In Trout We Trust
While Bryce Harper is ice cold, Major League Baseball's other superstar, Mike Trout, is heating up. Over the last seven days, Trout is batting .370 with two home runs and gets a cake matchup on Tuesday...
View ArticleDraftKings: Believe in the O’s
I have a hunch that any baseball player in an Orioles' jersey in Houston on Thursday is going to have a big night. Sure, I'm referring to all the big leaguers, but also to any potential little guys...
View ArticleRazznasty League Update: The Exodus
Throughout my time as a dynasty player, I've learned that there's one thing that's as inevitable in this format as death and taxes..... turnover. Sometimes it's simply because a manager no longer likes...
View ArticlePick Up Archie Unless You’re A Jughead
Archie Bradley pitched six innings of four hit ball Friday night against the Cubs, allowing one run, walking three and striking out ten. Archie has been a highly touted prospect for a while, but hasn't...
View ArticleWill Alb-Alm Cover For Soler?
Albert Almora was called up yesterday by the Cubs, and he's the latest barely in-his-20s, big-time Cubs prospect. Albert Almora also anagrams to Barrel T. Alamo, who'd be great as a San Antonian oil...
View ArticleI Feel A Draft — Get Me My Don’t Give A Shit Cardigan
And, with the first pick of the MLB draft, the Philadelphia Phillies take... Someone that was born in 1998. I have a bottle of ketchup older than that. In fact, I think I have an entire shelf of...
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